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Austin Needs Freaks and Liberals!
by Sebastian Wren Everybody knows Texas is a very conservative state. This is the home of George H. W. Bush Sr., George W. Bush Jr., and Dick "Shooter" Cheney. Dallas, Houston, San Antonio, West Texas, East Texas, the Panhandle -- these are the places where right-wing, fundamentalist, conservative values started. They are the bedrock of the republican party. But Austin has traditionally been the liberal bastion of young, freaky tree-huggers. The rest of Texas is where the conservative, Christian, big-business types live. Austin is where the rest of us love life. The rest of the state voted overwhelmingly for the George Bushes -- Austin has never supported a Bush for any office.
The rest of the state is pro-guns and anti-women's rights. Austin is just the opposite. Texas wants religion in the schools; Austin wants religion in the churches. Austin is different from the rest of Texas and the rest of the South. But recently, things have been changing. With the tech boom of the past 10 years, the conservatives and their SUVs started coming to town. They set up camp around the perimeter of town, sprawling out into the suburbs and bedroom communities. And now we are surrounded. And the bastards are starting to outnumber the rest of us. In the center of Austin, we want light rail and better public transportation -- the suburbanites voted it down.
In the center of Austin, we are opposed to redistricting to give the Republicans more power -- the suburbanites want it. In the center of Austin, we are trying to protect the environment -- the suburbanites keep voting against us. The suburbanites want more highways -- we want more bike and pedestrian lanes. The suburbanites want a Wal-Mart Supercenter on ever corner -- we want our neighborhood grocery stores back. The suburbanites want a huge, ugly house in the hills -- we want our hills left alone! We are quickly becoming out-numbered on the things that we care about. So we need reinforcements!! This is a call to arms. If you are a freak, a liberal, a pinko commie, then we want you here -- PRONTO! Move to Austin! This is a wonderful place to live if you don't fit in anyplace else in this country. Come on in! The weather's fine! In Austin, the weather is usually great -- it get's a little hot in the summer, but that's why God invented Barton Springs, Windy Point, Lake Travis, and of course, HIPPY HOLLOW -- Texas' only nude beach. Two hot months in the summer -- 10 beautiful months the rest of the year. That's not a bad deal. Other than the weather in the summer, there is no reason to not want to live here. We have lots of live music, the party goes on all the time, we have lots of cool students and interesting people. This place is great, if you're a hippy. If you're a freak. If you're a liberal, tree-hugging commie. But if you are conservative Republican living in Austin, then we are trying to make you feel unwelcome. You can have the rest of the state -- leave this town alone. Take your Starbucks and Chili's and go home!
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